Will I stop stargazing and moon gazing? Or will I become more addicted to them? I asked myself while thinking about being tied to the wrong person, trapped in the wrong version of life.
Will I still be able to cherish the first flower in my planter? Will I still be able to cherish rain? Will I still love cooking? Or will the constant taunts and the lack of recognition for my effort make me give up on this hobby?
This is what I thought might happen. This is what I think does happen when you’re trapped with the wrong person, in the wrong family. The things that once were your escape become a burden. You forget what it feels like to be human.
It might happen to me. So for now, I’m spending more time with the moon. I’m binge-watching more and more anime. I’m doing more of what I would have loved doing for the rest of my life, because that life now seems impossible. A masked, fake l, suffocating life is waiting ahead.
The truth is I am scared. I am afraid I will live but my soul will die. I am afraid, I am afraid my heart will pump blood but won’t survive its truth. I am afraid I will be just a body, nothing else, nothing more.
I am afraid I will die but this body will live. What a terrible death! What a horrible life!
Sadia Hakim